We just celebrated Father’s Day and immediately my Facebook news feed was filled up with adoring pictures of fathers with their kids. Our Father’s day was slightly different this year. Our internet and inverter gave up and because I am racing against a deadline, I decided to go over to my parents. It has also been pouring here for the last few days and it just made sense for me to spend the night at my parents. When I came home the next day, I bumped into a neighbor who was surprised and envious that I wasn’t around for Father’s day and this was acceptable to my husband.
We have been working on developing our web based parenting classes for a few months now. The process has been an eye-opener. I have worked extensively with many families over the years in this profession and I have to admit I was feeling so confident about this idea. But as I started laying out the curriculum, especially getting feedback from a huge range of families in India, I realized that there was so much I was taking for granted. The foundation of parenting itself is shaky in the Indian context.
So my young neighbor who is expecting came over recently and while generally talking to her I mentioned how important it is to make the father feel capable from day one. She was puzzled about this and asked “Why? What can he do anyway?”
Can you imagine being told you are no good? That you can’t manage and you can’t be trusted to do something right?
That is what a father is hearing if a mother or would- be mother shuts the partner out as soon as she discovers her pregnancy. Parents are called upon, books are bought and advice is sought from other mothers. It is ironic how quickly the poor guy loses his value! These 9 months plus a few more months after birth the mother is sheltered and guided completely by family. And as soon as this golden phase is over, the roof collapses over the head. Mother is left alone with the baby and is fed these fear inducing stories like “how massage will build the strength so massage-wali needs to be hired no matter what” or “responding to the baby crying will spoil the child”…The list could go on and on. So now this mother is feeling inadequate and she turns to the husband for help. Hello! He is feeling even less adequate at this time, having played a guest appearance role so far. Suddenly he is called upon to star in the drama and it all goes downhill pretty quickly.
I know I am not speaking for all men out there. There are the brave souls who stand up against this and play an equal role that is rightfully theirs. Fathers who are the first to see their child being born, to support long term breastfeeding, to change the worst diapers, to take the baby during night fussiness so mom can get in a couple extra minutes of shut-eye (don’t you just love them even more when they do this knowing mom is not really sleeping anyway).
Respect to the men who are foundations of this pyramid of parenting, who are equal pillars of support for the child. Aparna and I are so proud to have such gems in our lives.
To Harish and Shashank for being our partners in crime: Happy Father’s Day!
Happy Parenting
Puja.
The Yearling House 